Training People to Be Helpful

(You can forward this to your friends and family)

I think one of the hardest things about struggling to conceive is how isolating it can be.  I know for me I just wanted to crawl into a hole and shut out the world.  That meant shutting out my friends and family too.  I just couldn’t deal with talking to them about what was going on.  

But I also know that I would have felt better during the whole process if I had not felt so alone.  I still needed my friends, even if they knew nothing about what I was going through.  I needed and wanted them to understand my pain and I needed to remember what life was like without talking about infertility.  Sometimes it can help A LOT to just go to a funny movie together.

The problem is that people just don’t know what to say.  And this is uncomfortable for everyone.  So they end up saying some awful things.  Let’s face it, people can be pretty dumb sometimes.

So how do we make this better?  

We have to train people to be more helpful.  We have to help them to help us. 

I know, I know.  You are thinking that the last thing you need right now is more work to do.  Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting anything fancy.

(In fact, you can just forward this blog to your friends and family.  I guarantee that they want to be helpful and supportive.  They just don’t know how.)

Here are the 4 most important things to tell people:

1. Please LISTEN without offering advice.  I will ask you for your advice if I want it.
2. Please ACKNOWLEDGE the pain and suffering without painting a rosy picture of the future.  No one knows what the future holds.
3. Don’t assume that you know how to help.  ASK what you can do to be supportive.  Because this is different for everyone.
4. Please DO NOT say things like:

“Just relax and it will happen”

“Don’t worry, it will happen when it’s supposed to”

“Why not just adopt?”

“Have you tried…….?”

“I know it’s hard but……?”

“You can have my kids anytime.”

I know that talking about what you are experiencing is not an easy thing to do.  You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. Just remember that having help and support really does make a difference, sometimes a really huge difference.

So when you are ready to share your struggles, start with the person you think will be easiest to tell.  Share what you are comfortable sharing.  See how it goes.  Be patient with yourself and with them.  Then give yourself a big hug and know that you are an amazing and strong woman!

I am here for you every step of the way.

Sending Hugs,

Jessica